I’d frequently seen sensationalist stories of women going into labour without knowing they were pregnant and my reaction was always the same…. How? Yet here I was, finding out I was pregnant (already 6 amd a bit months pregnant actually) and questioning my own sanity. How could I have not realised? How was I still having a regular period? Why did I not have morning sickness? And about 1001 other questions whirled in my head. Preparing for birth and the imminent arrival of our bundle of joy was the relatively easy part; navigating the minefield that was early motherhood was the part that no one spoke about.

When our little boy arrived in May of 2016 we quickly settled into our cosy little family of three life. The ‘baby bubble’ felt as though it would never pop and the real world seemed a million miles away. We had space to soak in our new arrival and a seemingly endless amount of time to get to grips with our new roles as parents. But for some time I felt that ‘mother’ was my only role, I forgot who I was to myself and to others, I forgot what made me tick and what, apart from our little family set up, brought me joy.

I had become an island; I’d unintentionally drifted away from people I was close to and become so wrapped up in family life I started to feel alone. I was becoming anxious without truly realising it, the thought of putting myself ‘out there’ was daunting. In fact the thought of the wider world in general made me anxious. I had friends with families of their own and friends who were still living the single life but for some unknown reason I felt that I’d let myself drift away from these groups and that I needed to create or join a new circle. Something I realised was so far from the truth but was just too anxious to see at the time.

Twelve weeks after giving birth I’d had to return to work almost full time; between having to be at work for 37 hours a week in a busy hospital and having a 3 month old baby I didn’t feel that I had the time (or energy) to be out socialising with friends, let alone meeting new people. We didn’t go to mother and baby groups, which on paper seemed like the perfect place to meet new mums in similar situations (if I wasn’t such a ball of anxiety) . We didn’t go to baby sensory, because working shift work wasn’t compatible with committing to a set day each week. In fact our time together was spent just ‘being together’ and exploring activities in the safety and comfort of our own home. Despite all of my best efforts in providing my son with fun, baby centred activities I felt as though I was somehow letting him down by not being like the other mums I saw; the ones throwing themselves into baby led activities and baby groups, the ones out having coffee at soft play with their mum tribes and babies in tow. I felt like I was failing myself, other’s expectations for me and most of all my son.

I wracked my brain for other ways I could reach out to others without being confined to a set routine or having to ‘put myself out there’ and potentially end up feeling lonelier than I started. I eventually came across the often weird and not always so wonderful world of online ‘Mum groups’. These places on the whole were a minefield in themselves. Vicious arguments would regularly break out amongst the members over the smallest things (in some of the larger, well known groups), there were ruling authorities (or so they thought) on all things mother, child and family related. If your face didn’t fit, you would soon know about it. The atmosphere was awful from just having a brief browse and it didn’t feel like a place where I’d be happy, safe or welcome. After much searching I thought I’d found my online tribe; there were incredible, self made, successful, confident and fierce women. Women who I didn’t feel that I was like but I could aspire to be. I threw myself into the group headfirst: I posted continuously, writing incredibly open and vulnerable posts about struggles I was experiencing, I read of other’s struggles and offered a listening ear and built others up when they felt at their lowest. I was dedicated to the group and at times consumed by it. But over time also found myself becoming thoroughly disillusioned with the whole online ‘mum group’ social community. I was giving so much time to the community and honestly started to feel that I was so involved with the group that I wasn’t present in my ‘real’ daily life. Being so involved made me question my own perceived flaws against other members whose lives seemed so picture perfect, other faces seemed to fit in more and would get more post engagement. I picked myself apart more and more. Why couldn’t I feel more of a part of this? Why wasn’t I able to fit in more? Was I just truly unlikeable or uninteresting? I questioned myself more in this period of time than I had ever before. During the 12 or so months I remained a member I found myself sinking into a more anxious and depressed state. If I was being 100% honest to myself I likely had post natal depression, but add into the mix some serious anxiety spurred on by things I was seeing and reading as well as some pretty strong feelings of inadequacy and you get the picture. I wasn’t in a good place. I finally decided to cut all ties with the group for the sake of my mental well-being and in order to get a grip on my own issues without absorbing other’s.

I appreciate this all sounds like a very negative account of mum groups (and in particular the one I was part of but it is in no way a reflection of the group itself). The truth is I needed real connections again and to ‘get out there’ in the real world; I’d started to reach out to my existing friends, being honest and open about my absence. I spent time building on those existing, physical connections I already had. And boy was I wrong about not being welcome anymore! These friendships just picked up where we’d left off, we’d plan family friendly activities as well as child free fun. I didn’t just feel accepted but understood, appreciated and loved. For some time I lost my way, I looked in places I didn’t need to search for things I’d already had. I understood that my thought processes hadn’t been kind or helpful and had hindered my ability to be me.

Acknowledging that I wasn’t ok and then making the steps to get back on track again wasn’t easy, nothing improved overnight but knowing that I was doing all I could to improve made me feel a little more at peace. Knowing that those I cared about knew how I was struggling too made things easier. Since opening up to those close to me, I’d realised that no one questioned my ability to be a mother, my dedication to my family or my sanity. All the things I believed people would think if I reached out, (plot twist, no one thought any of this at all)!

I guess the TLDR version of this is;

•The first few days, weeks and months (maybe even YEARS) of being a mother and parent is tough. If you’re struggling then there’s no shame in reaching out. “You can’t pour from an empty cup” after all.

•Your mental well-being is so valuable; if something doesn’t feel right then don’t be afraid to remove yourself from the person, place or situation.

•Your baby doesn’t care how many groups or activities your go to each week and certainly doesn’t care how many places you go. All they need is you.

•Baby groups, baby activities and online communities aren’t for everyone but they definitely hold appeal. Maybe you’re in a new city, haven’t got an established friendship group or just need to put your feelers out for a new circle. Don’t dismiss the value of these resources, try something new if you feel able but don’t be afraid to decide it’s not for you and move on too! There are thousands of women who expanded their circles via an app, Facebook group, new mum meet or similar. Everyone’s different and there’s options for everyone (Even a hermit like me)!

The overall thing to take away is although the world feels like it’s been turned on it’s head when you become a mum it can and does get better.

Hannah x