It’s a short post this time guys but the last few weeks have been super busy and my virtually non existent posting schedule has gone out of the window. There’s something about the new year that always makes me feel reflective and focused on my goals for the following year, throw a new decade into the mix and I’m super charged reflective. I’m aiming to start a bullet journal for 2020 so that I’m beyond organised as well as accurately tracking life’s ups and downs. I’ve got a whole Pinterest board dedicated to my journal but would love to share ideas from current bullet journal users too!

This new year’s reflection has got me thinking about how much life, and I have changed not only over the past year but the past decade. I’ve been thinking a whole lot about friendship and how in the past year I’ve ‘conducted’ friendships.

I’m not a bad friend; I’ll love you fiercely, protect your name and reputation. I’ll defend and support you no end, I’ll be your biggest cheerleader as well as a shoulder to cry on but often it’s from a distance. I’m not a bad friend but I’m an absent one. I’ve kept myself to myself for long enough now where I’m not sure if I’d know how to ‘act’ in big social situations anymore; with anxiety and disability issues thrown into the mix, I don’t even know if I’d enjoy myself. It’s not a reflection on my friends, just me being a an absent friend, at times a ghost.  A ghost friend and a ghost of my former self, maybe. If you looked at me at the beginning of the decade you’d rarely find me at home and you’d struggle to find me enjoying time alone. The thought of being at home, alone, with only my own company would fill me with dread. I guess I was to some degree an extrovert, a social butterfly; I drank a heap, went to parties and raves regularly and hung out with friends mostly every day. I wasn’t unhappy then but I was far from truly happy and I wasn’t being my true self. I forgot my hobbies and interests because they were solitary activities and I couldn’t bare to be by myself so I dropped them to focus on surrounding myself with people and activity.

At the end of this decade I now spend a vast amount of time home, I lost my job this year due to disability so my work social life is non existent. I rarely go to parties or out drinking. I enjoy quiet activities alone or with my little family or on rare occasions small groups of friends.
Being alone doesn’t mean I’m unhappy; it’s quite the opposite. My time is spent with my son being the best mum I can be, creating or crafting, getting my small business off the ground, gaming and enjoying my home and those in it. I do things at my own speed without worrying about how I may slow others down. I can move in my comfort zone, feeling safe and secure. I don’t feel the fear of missing out any longer, I can be a part of things if I feel able, if not I don’t dwell over it anymore.

With a new year and new decade looming I’ve decided that it’s important to maintain these safety boundaries but challenge myself too. I’ve become a little too comfortable in my own company, I realise that being a ghost is fine to a degree but I need to put myself out there more and physically be there to maintain friendships. I’m aiming to make more effort to put myself out there, see friends more, try things I’ve avoided due to anxiety. It sounds like a mountain to climb when I think of it now, But I know that in small steps I can get the right balance. I can be the friend who may be a ghost at times but a friend who can also be physically present too. I want to have fun experiences to look back on fondly, I want to have days trips and movie nights to look forward to as well as looking forward to my quiet time in my safe place.
In 2020 I’ll still be an introvert because that’s who I truly am, I may still even be a ghost at times because it’s how I feel safe. I’ve set boundaries for my mental and physical health that need to be maintained and nurtured but I’ll also be more present and put myself out there. I want to connect to old friends, meet new ones and maintain current friendships. I feel my opportunity for growth lies in the balance of introversion and being available to see friends in person, so my ‘new years resolution’ is to be present: In any activity or situation I’m in, with whoever I’m with. In 2020 I’ll be putting my energy into the very moment I’m in and giving it 110%.

That’s a wrap on 2019 folks, my other resolution is to get my posting schedule sorted so I post less sporadically. I’m going to work so hard on ensuring that this blog grows and moves from strength to strength. I post mini blogs pretty much daily over on Instagram, come and join me by searching @konnichiwakittyblog.

I truly hope the new year treats you well, here’s to a new year, new decade and a shiny new outlook.

Hannah x